Locking myself in the bathroom, I slumped to the floor in defeat. Burying my tear-streaked cheeks in my hands, the burden of disappointment and disgust rested on my heart like a 20-pound weight. The disappointment and disgust were directed at me and me alone. I had lost my patience with a loved one, and in a fit of frustration, exploded. I raised my voice—screamed to be more accurate—said things that were far from kind and loving, set a poor example. I was the Christian in the house, yet once again I had failed to represent Christ well.

“You’re a horrible Christian,” I whispered to myself. The words echoed in my heart and mind like a jagged pinball, tearing and jolting my soul. I repeated it, and this time, it was no longer a whisper. “You’re a horrible Christian!” I repeated over and over as the tears continued to fall until, at last, I felt utterly deflated and empty.

The harder I tried to be a good example of Christ to my loved ones—to be salt and light in my own home—the more I failed. And the more I failed, the more I feared that instead of drawing my loved ones to Christ, I was repelling them.  

With loved ones who had yet to know Christ, I felt immense pressure to think, act and talk like a perfect Christian to set a good example. As a result, every time I made a mistake or struggled with sin, I felt great self-condemnation, convinced I had not only let God down but my loved ones, too. I also felt immense pressure to evangelize and help my loved ones recognize their need for a Savior. I was convinced that if my family members never accepted Christ, it would be my fault because I failed to properly illustrate just how much Christ had done and was doing in my own life. I believed that if they faced eternal separation from God, it would be because of me. 

I shared this struggle with a few ladies from church. They listened in silence, then remarked on how heavy a burden it must be for me to carry. They were right.  

“Your job isn’t to change your loved ones’ hearts nor convince them to follow Christ,” one of the ladies remarked. “Your job is to expose them to the love of Christ through your own love and to show them that, even though you’re not perfect—none of us are—the Holy Spirit is actively working in you and shaping you to look more like Christ. It’s a journey.” 

“You’re called to share the good news and share the amazing story of Jesus,” another woman chimed in, “but only God can soften one’s heart and save one’s soul.” 

The conversation led to a simple yet remarkable realization: My job is not to change people but rather to love people. 

When asked what the most important commandments were, Jesus didn’t say that being perfectly kind, patient, joyful or generous was the answer. Instead, He replied, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40). It’s not about perfectly performing and never making mistakes—only Jesus lived a perfect life without sin. It’s all about love. And it’s all about His cleansing grace. If I replaced the goal of changing hearts and minds with simply loving those who don’t yet know Jesus, I would be a channel through which they could encounter His love. In time, they’d be increasingly drawn to the source of that love—Jesus. 

In his letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul writes that while we are all entrusted as God’s workers, only God can bring growth. “After all, who is Apollos? Who is Paul? We are only God’s servants through whom you believed the Good News. Each of us did the work the Lord gave us. I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow” (1 Corinthians 3:5-7). 

While I am called to plant and water seeds in others’ hearts, only God can make those seeds grow. My friend from church was right: only God can soften hearts and save souls. My job is neither to change my loved ones’ hearts or to convince them to follow Christ. Rather, my job is to expose them to the love of Christ through my own love and to seek to emulate Christ in all I do. As I continue to make mistakes and fail to live up to the perfect standard Jesus set, I daily invite the Holy Spirit’s shaping influence in my life to point out the things in me that need work and to help me change. “For God is working in me, giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases him” (Philippians 2:13).

Recognizing that I had been unnecessarily carrying the heavy burden of changing others’ hearts, I gladly offered the responsibility back to God. Releasing back to God what was always His responsibility left me feeling lighter, brighter and greatly encouraged. It also freed me to focus my time and energy on where my time and energy should be directed: loving God and loving people. 

I continue to pray for God to work in the hearts and minds of all those in my sphere of influence who have yet to know Jesus. I also pray that God would continue the good work in me to help shape me to look and love more and more like Christ. As I pray each day, I remind myself that my job is not to change people but instead to love them. Jesus doesn’t need us to convince others to believe in or submit their lives to Him. He just needs us to love His people and tell His story. He just needs us to plant the seeds.

This article was originally titled “He Makes The Seed Grow” in the February 2025 issue of The War Cry.